I think you can write a conversational tone to a story without the filter you're trying to use here.
Even not as writer, when we tell stories it doesn't mean we don't describe anything. You still want to think about showing vs. While being conversational in approach we get hit with the idea that this is going to be a story we want to read without the narrator telling us such. I would suggest looking at that beginning. Also, even though I think you should scrap that intro and get to the story, the tone sort of reminds me of the beginning of The Stranger by Camus. I don't think Catcher in the Rye is addressing me, the reader, and more than other first person. What you are trying to do might be able to work, but the thing is all first person is telling a story. Saying I'm not going to believe the story you are about to tell me makes me wonder why you just didn't start telling me the story. What you shared as your beginning doesn't even hint at what this story might be about. Sort of writing your way into the story as opposed to starting with the actual story in any real sense. It sounds sort of like you're writing an introduction to your story with this approach. And those are common to literature from all eras. What you're essentially creating is a monologue. Just focus on who he's talking to and the circumstances surrounding the conversation (real or imagined) and you'll be fine. (Which implies that the other person wants to leave for whatever reason, which will be part of the story.) This can be fun to work with, because a notion of what the other person is like will emerge. He can even buy the 'other' person a drink, if he's made it clear the location is a bar, and he's just unburdening himself-to either a stranger or somebody he already knows. Who is he talking to? If you can get this straight in your head, then I think the thing will become easier. He could be (or pretend to be) addressing a large audience. He could be addressing the 'dear reader,' which means they are not going to hear him or meet him, but will be reading this instead. He could be writing a letter to somebody. He could be in prison, talking to himself but imagining he's explaining his actions to his sister. If you can frame, for yourself, who your narrator is addressing and maybe the location for this 'conversation,' I think that will help. or Don't look at me like that! I know what you're thinking. You asked me why I killed my mother? Well, it's a long story, but here goes. Without quoting the other character at all. In other words, you (the narrator-character) can 'react' to what the other person 'says,' or does, if you want. A letter, a recording, or even a face to face. Click to expand.Is it possible to figure out, in your head anyway, who your character is talking to? This doesn't need to be revealed at any time, if you don't want to.
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